The cycle

The cycle…

In my morning pages

I went there…

I was 11 and in school

I had been punished

It came to me vivid and powerful

That no matter what I did, how I did

I would miss, I would err

And sometimes it was simply the teacher’s foul mood

I remember a deep sense of sadness

Alienation…

For no one could understand how much I was trying

I can call it alienation now, then it was just fear

How to not go punished…

And then I wrote more of it through the years

Embarrassing grades, peer ridicule, the feeling of helplessness

Or the times when we were simply not visible

To the front benchers and the teachers

I wrote in my morning pages

Everyone is alone in some essential way isn’t it?

I thought of the time things changed

In the eighth grade…

One topper befriended me

I do not know whether she pulled me

Whether I crawled out

Maybe it was a little of each

And then I felt alienation no more

For then at least,

‘Then’ can be a minute, month, a year, 5 years…

If there is sadness there is also relief from it

If there is alienation there is also the desire to change it

And there is that person who comes along

When you really want her to…

There is not having and having

There is having and not having

Raksha Bharadia

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